By Jack D Love, LMFT
Coparenting in high conflict custody situations can feel like sailing through a storm. Decisions must be made swiftly and effectively, but emotions and biases often cloud our judgment. Understanding System 1 and System 2 thinking, concepts introduced by psychologist Daniel Kahneman, can help parents navigate these choppy waters with greater clarity and cooperation.
System 1: The Intuitive Coparent
System 1 is our brain’s autopilot. It acts quickly and effortlessly, driven by instincts and past experiences. In the context of coparenting, System 1 thinking might manifest in automatic reactions to familiar scenarios. For example, if a disagreement arises about pickup times, a parent might react defensively without fully considering the situation. This immediate response is System 1 in action.
Key Features of System 1:
- Fast and automatic responses
- Minimal effort required
- Influenced by emotions and past experiences
- Often relies on shortcuts and biases
System 2: The Deliberate Coparent
System 2, on the other hand, is slow and deliberate. It engages when we face new, complex, or challenging situations. In high conflict coparenting, System 2 is crucial for making thoughtful decisions and communicating effectively. When negotiating a holiday schedule or making a significant decision about a child’s education, System 2 thinking helps parents analyze the situation, consider various perspectives, and arrive at a well-reasoned conclusion.
Key Features of System 2:
- Slow and effortful thinking
- Uses logic and analysis
- Handles complex and unfamiliar tasks
- Can override impulsive reactions from System 1
The Balancing Act
In high conflict custody situations, the interplay between System 1 and System 2 thinking becomes particularly important. System 1 can provide quick assessments and responses, but it is System 2 that ensures these decisions are fair and well-considered. For instance, a parent might instinctively refuse a request for an extra overnight stay, but by engaging System 2, they can evaluate the potential benefits for the child and find a compromise.
Improving Communication and Decision-Making
Here are some strategies to enhance coparenting through effective use of both systems:
- Pause and Reflect: Before reacting to a coparenting issue, take a moment to engage System 2. Reflect on the situation and consider the long-term impacts of your decision.
- Seek Common Ground: Use System 2 thinking to identify shared goals and values. This can help in finding mutually acceptable solutions.
- Practice Active Listening: System 2 can help improve communication by focusing on truly understanding the other parent’s perspective. This can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly defined boundaries and agreements can reduce the need for System 1 responses by providing a structured approach to common issues.
Final Thoughts: Making It Work for Your Family
Navigating high conflict coparenting requires a delicate balance between the rapid responses of System 1 and the thoughtful deliberation of System 2. By understanding and harnessing these two modes of thinking, parents can improve their communication and decision-making, ultimately fostering a more stable and supportive environment for their children. So, the next time you find yourself in a coparenting dilemma, remember the strengths of both System 1 and System 2, and strive for a balanced approach.
About the Author:
Jack D. Love, LMFT, is a California licensed marriage and family therapist with over 50 years of clinical experience and more than two decades specializing in forensic child custody evaluations and high-conflict co-parenting dynamics. Drawing on his extensive expertise, Jack helps families navigate the complexities of divorce, fostering solutions that prioritize the well-being of children and support healthier family outcomes.